Roulette

giphy

Roulette   noun 

rou·​lette | \rü-ˈlet  \

1a: a gambling game in which players bet on which compartment of a revolving wheel a small ball will come to rest in

b: something involving a high degree of chance and unpredictability

 

I feel like I’ve played every role.

Every character

The Victim who waved the white flag to her abuser.

who swam in the residue of his actions.

who became fearful to explain to former acquaintances how they had hurt her for fear of rejection

This lead to the creation of the character,

The Doormat.

Like Jhene, I have been

The Girl full of venomous rage.

wanting those that fed me poison to pay.

I have been the reformed woman with the ministry.

though I wonder exactly what that ministry is.

The potential minister

The Good Christian

Does she exist in me?

The Addict that possessed an increased appetite for lust-filled escapades.

At various points, there has been intrigue.

I wanted to taste her fruit,

that was forbidden.

forbidden to my picture perfect formulation of my future that I’m sure included a nuclear family.

forbidden to the world. forbidden to my Faith. forbidden to my God.

Despite wandering in the dark, I remain unapologetically in touch with my sensuality.

my femininity.

the curves, dips, and lips I possess.

I stand in the confidence of knowing just what to do with them.

 

Journeying back

to God?

Faith?

The hardest pill to swallow, after the multiple I gathered, believing they would help me arrive at peace

was that I didn’t know either anymore. I didn’t know what either looked like anymore

and I didn’t know how to show either.

In ‘Rescue’, I declared my love for you.

my awe. I marvelled at such a God.

And in that same breath, in that same heart that was battered, bruised, berated but still beating, I questioned all I knew.

I questioned Christians. Modern day Pharisees?

Dare I say it, I questioned You.

everybody became a suspect.

 

You still remain in my heart.

and in my mind that momentarily departed from me

You guide my spirit, that felt crushed beyond repair.

I’d like to believe you dwell in me, whilst I’m still searching.

for me.

In the midst of mess and comfort of chaos.

 

The role I play the best, though is

Rebel.

Seduced by the option to destroy all constraints placed on me.

by others.

by myself.

Enthralled by the possibility of breaking free from what I’ve been conditioned to think.

to feel. to do.

Saying no.

to control.

to expectations.

to opinions.

to predictions.

to curses.

to being silenced.

I cling to refusal with a steady hand, unable to fit into the line of sheep, that shy away from bathing in genuine truth.

Although it may induce discomfort in spectators, I rise.

Even at 5″5, I stand tall in turmoil.

In truth.

You will never know where the ball lands

but feel free to

Place your bets.

 

*If any post on my blog is to be featured or reposted externally,  you are required to send me an e-mail at Debraeojay@hotmail.co.uk                                                               As the author of all posts, credit must be given rightfully.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Roulette

  1. I’d like to believe you dwell in me, whilst I’m still searching.
    for me.

    The first time in a long time someones else words ripped through my flesh. I dunno but this line, I really loved.

    You are so gifted with your words. Love you girl

    Jenna|xo

    Liked by 1 person

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